One of my many thoughts today was the words, “We all fall short of the glory of God.” Meaning, no one is perfect. I can’t compare myself. Even if I don’t struggle like the other person does, I can struggle in another area. People struggle with pornography, sexual immortality, masturbation, steeling, telling lies, being unkind, not being understanding, not being honest, not being fruitful, not being loving, shouts of anger, a bad mouth, the list could be endless. I might not struggle with most of these, but I do struggle with being loving, having angry words, the need to be perfect, or not trusting in the Lord and falling into my own understanding. I can sin against God and man. I can hurt others and myself just as another person who struggle with who knows. I can’t compare myself or rate myself to another. Because we end up all doing the same thing. Hurting ourselves, hurting others, and sinning before God.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned about myself this year is finding out I am not as righteous as I thought. I thought the more I would understand about my Father the better I would become. It turns out this year, He has really humbled me in seeing that I can still fall short through all my efforts of being knowledgeable. The more I grow in Him the more I understand I need Him. I fight myself and God every time I fail Him. It’s because I have become more aware of how weak and sinful nature I really am day after day. Knowing over and over I can retain knowledge, but still not be perfect and blameless. That perfection and thoughts of self righteousness is getting tumbled down. Tumbled into the arms of someone perfect and wants me as I fall short in Him. I don’t understand it fully and I hate it sometimes, but He knows what I truly need. He is amazing and patient in teaching me this amazing power of love through forgiveness and grace. As He continues to humble me in revealing how powerless I am in myself.
Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind but now I see. ~ John Newton
It was a crazy crazy few weeks over here. Both boys birthday are in April and I was worried that I wouldn’t have the energy or will power to make up the decorations or think of something fun to do. Finances are really tight so I was always waiting for a pay check to buy the stuff I needed. In order to make or get decorations which gave me two to three days. God was really good and helped me out. He gave me energy, ideas, and the money to do what I was imagining.
Maximus turned three this year and he is really into “How To Train A Dragon” and Veggie Tale Vikings about sharing. So this year, vikings was our theme. He loved the swords and shields that I put together. The two banners made of paper, paint, and marker. It was a fun party. I loved painting and creating the ship which was out of cardboard. I didn’t mind dressing up a little for it myself. 😉
My lil lad turned one this year! I knew for a long time I wanted to base the party theme off of the book, “The Wonderful Things You Will Do” by Emily Martin. Love her books! I didn’t know really how to do it, but it turned out to be a little bit of everything. There were balloons, a flag banner that I made, and a little garden where the food was with outdoor animals. We threw a tee pee that my husband made while back in the back yard for the kids to play in. It was a really cute party. I did a lot more for this one, but it was worth it! It was Tenzin’s first. Even though it was really for me (that’s what they say) I wanted to bless him and everyone that came. Besides it gave me a chance to use my creative skills. I haven’t made anything for a while. Yay for projects!
It has been a precious time going deeper with God over my husband’s absents. God has shown me a lot of things, but one specific example has impacted me greatly. It was an example of love that I really needed to see before Andrew left for his mission trip.
It was Sunday before Andrew left for Russia. We were at church and during worship two little girls and their father stood in front of us. These girls I’d say were under 6 of age, and were fondly squirming leaning on their father. He wouldn’t just hold one of them, but would hold both of them if they desired it. It was the most sweetest thing to see. A father loving his two girls by holding them close. I rarely see such affection between a father and a child. It made me want that kind of sweet fondness from my Heavenly Father. Then I wondered, does God think of me as his little girl?
At that moment, God was laying on my heart the love He had for me. This understanding was just as if God was carefully and affectionately holding me. I have not yet understood God’s direct love for me. I never pictured it in that way as being his little girl. I’ve heard we are all God’s children, but it never felt personal. This time I felt God’s words aiming straight to my heart.
After I dropped Andrew off at the airport, that sweet example at church stuck to my mind. It gave me such a sweet promise. That I am his little girl and he will take care of my every need. He will fill the longings for my husbands comfort, even though God can’t physically hold me close.
I praise God that He knew what I needed at the right time. Knowing my heart better than I know myself.
“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.” Psalm 139:1
Today is the first day of 2017. Already it has turned my world upside down. My husband is gone and I am alone with the kids. I wish today was an easy joyful day. Instead, it’s rough and emotional. My mind is spinning about the day and how to survive the next coming two weeks. I have to remind myself that it’s okay. Being alone is new and everything is strange at the moment, but it’s going to get better. But why did the hardest part have to be isolation? One of my worst fears. I know life can just suck, but I know sometimes there are reasons.
Before Andrew left for Russia I knew I needed to prepare myself for the two weeks. I knew that I would need serious help to survive. What I really didn’t expect was what God wanted me to learn this year specifically. He told me very clearly that I didn’t understand His love for me very well. What I knew was not good enough. If God didn’t say that or showed me some examples of his love before Andrew left, I be falling apart right now. Praise God! I understand the whole trust in God can only work effectively if I believed it one hundred percent. In different forms I can doubt it very easily. Right now being isolated, I can/have easily think God is doing it on purpose. I need to believe even if He did, it is only out of sincere love. I can’t think he’s doing it to be rough with me or abuse my feelings. If I doubt God’s sincere love when things go wrong, I can’t get very far in my walk. Andrew could tell you I have a very hard time going to God when I am upset. I make myself isolated, because I “feel” like no one cares. Doubt doubt doubt. Feelings feelings feelings that aren’t true. BLA! UGH! GR! I don’t know everything, but this isolation definitely feels like a lesson. It feels so extreme, but I know He’s trying to teach me to come to Him. If I always had people around me it wouldn’t be much of a lesson.