Goodbye

Usually, when New Years comes around I get really excited and can’t wait to for the current year to end. This time it’s a new story. It’s been the most challenging year ever, but it also meant one of the sweetest times that I have bonded with the Lord. I had a lot of new adventures. The difference entering this new year compared to this year is, I’m unsure what’s happening. Andrew and I knew adventures were going to happen in 2017. The only things God has been bringing up in my mind and my prayers for this new year is compassion and maturity.

The word compassion has been weighing a lot on my heart. I know if I could gain this, I could do so for Christ and His work. Because right now either fear, pride, anger, or laziness gets in the way of really showing a Christ like character. If compassion trumped all these things I could lead more to the Lord. Having a heart for people rather than myself.

Compassion is very much the opposite in how I’m feeling today. I think postpartum is probably hitting me, because I’m crying and afraid about a lot of things. I still feel emotional about my journey of being a mother. I’m afraid of having to give up my desires in order to invest in my kids. I can see how much they need me. It’s a good thing to know that I am needed, but at the same time I don’t want to deal with it at the moment. I wish I could enjoy this time, instead of wishing I was doing something else. Maybe this is the new phase of stretching that I need. Leaning on Christ in a different way. I know there is so much more I need to learn. Hoping 2018 is the year of much growth in maturity.

Hoping to be spending more time sharing my journey with you all. Have a Happy New Year! 🙂

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Safe Place For Our Mess

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I don’t like showing much of my messy side, but here it is the raw truth. It’s a mess. I have never been so tired of seeing my house look chaotic. I would say I have been known to having a clean house, but if you saw it now you would think otherwise.  It has taken me three days trying to catch up on the dishes.  I have three loads of laundry sitting there waiting to be folded. I’m so tired of trying to catch up with it all. I have come to realize it might be like this for a while. It’s really hard for me to grasp this concept, because I have always had a clean home. I can’t function with a messy house and I don’t feel accomplished if it’s messy. Just like getting ready for the day, if I am continually in my pjs I feel crappy.  I can’t even leave the house with it in chaos, but today I had too. Otherwise, I would never get out of the house. Just another phase I need to get use to and be okay with I guess.

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One quality that I wish I had right now is to be more honest about the real stuff, like my messy kitchen. That I need to not be embarrassed and act all together. I want to learn to create a safe place for others to share and be themselves with their messes without me being judging or trying to fix their problems. Learning more and more as a Christian we should be open to one another about our struggles and make a safe environment for each other. I appreciate when others give me that security to share my struggles so I can major and grow. It’s refreshing when others are honest too. I lack this quality so much and I am very eager to learn to do this better.

Oat Banana Muffins

Just another one of those mornings I didn’t want the usual. One of my old time favorite recipes that is quick and yummy is this oat banana muffin recipe. Did I mention you can add chocolate chips on the top? Delicious. It is super soft, filling, and soooo good. I usually double the recipe and if I do that I do half cup almond butter and half cup of coconut oil. If I don’t have almond butter I do coconut oil. I also don’t put as much honey in it because bananas and chocolate already make it sweet. Let me know what you think. Hope you enjoy it with coffee!

Unsure Of

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It’s been a weak week. It’s so true when you don’t spend time alone with God everyday other things creep in. It all started for me being hurt from others. Then struggling with isolation from others and being home gets to me so much. It’s been depressing when I can’t do much moving and then all I want to do is be alone and be relaxed. Its been hard for me to go to God with my frustrations. I know I’m not doing things right, but what I realized more is that when I do have a hard time going to God when I feel hurt and overwhelmed is that I don’t believe him when He says He is always faithful and loving.

Andrew has been really trying to be here for me. Trying to pray for me. Trying to encourage me of what God is doing in my life. But I can’t agree to pray with him most times. His words I don’t find encouraging. I just feel like it’s God trying to correct me 24/7 and I don’t find it loving. I can’t pray sometimes to Him because of the hurt.

Spending time in His word tonight helped a lot and got me refocused on Him. I’m still unsure of which is life happenings or Him purposefully teaching me a life lesson. I know that all He wants is for us to spend time with Him and that’s our goal. Our purpose is found in Him, but I still feel empty and think He doesn’t want me to do anything. That’s not biblical and doesn’t make sense either. So how to find the balance? What’s His will? What if it’s my personal weaknesses getting in the way? What is the truth  behind all of what is all happening? I’m praying for mercy hoping for grace in this time of not understanding and not grasping fully God’s love for me when I am confused by how He is showing it. I want to believe that He still loves me when I get frustrated with confusion. I hope I can just have grace from people and not judgement.  I want sympathy and help, not correction and point the finger at my faults. Because I want the truth but I’m so confused what is true and not.

God please open my eyes and mind to understand and know the difference. God please have patients with me when I am weak and a sinner. Help me to understand and have hope for now and the future. Amen

Shampoo, Foundation, Mas…

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This week I got hit with the finance blues. Money has been super tight and I am starting to run out of everything. Everything to make me look like I am put together when I feel crummy.  Especially, at my last pregnancy stages which are really making me depressed. I ran out of hair product, makeup, and clothes all at the same time! Why????!!

To sum up me this week, I’ve been annoyed with my body and it’s making me feel self conscious. The other day I got annoyed with Andrew for not saying, “Go ahead and go use the credit card on what you need/want.” Then I was mad when that didn’t happen which I knew was being impatient. Then I was not praying about it because I thought it was stupid. Thinking God was trying to teach me a life lesson through this and not caring about my silly need of wanting hair product, makeup, and clothes. It has totally thrown me out of whack and it made me distant from my Father.

All I want to say is this, it is not to silly for the Lord. God cares about our every need. He always provides. It’s true, things I never thought I would get ( or any time soon) God has provided. He will provide in a way that will be perfect. God loves you and me and wants to hear every little prayer. Don’t fall short in praying to him just because it isn’t something more “important.” He wants us to take everything to him like our day to day needs. Even if it’s needing money to go buy shampoo, foundation, mascara, pants, and shirts. Ugh, I could go on…. ;p

A Thought on Marriage

So I have a friend getting married this next weekend. He and I have talked a lot about what to expect and he has asked a lot about different aspects of my marriage over the last five years with Rachel. These chats have been good, but ultimately my experience will mean nothing to the battles that he will face in his own marriage. With marriage being as tough as it is, its no wonder the divorce rate is so high especially with my short sighted generation. But there are two things that I must remind myself of to keep me balanced and loving the love of my life.

First, I think we all perceive or claim that we are characterized by this but who’s really fooling them self about patients. My pastor recently described patients from its Greek or Latin root meaning to be “long suffering with love.” Hello, I can’t say that about myself. I will interact with a coworker and turn right around and let someone know how frustrated I am. It’s not in any human being nature to be long suffering, let alone long suffering with love. And yet, this is a lesson that God wanted to teach me in life which is why he decided I should take on the intimacy of marriage at a younger age than most of my peers.

Second is giving grace. Because who really merits that kiss goodnight and a back rub while making dutch ovens under the covers. Or how can I expect my wife to love me every time I break my promise of when I will be coming home. Grace is giving unmerited favor, just as God gave Christ as our payment. I love my wife, but I do struggle at times acting out with such grace.

But really, Marriage has been one of the greatest changes in my life and brought maturity in a way that I would have neglected before. I love my wife and know that we have a long while to go until one of us kicks the bucket and so much more of me will be needed to make all this work. I just thank God that He is good and will provide all that I need when storms come…. or more children, they challenge me to. But as the great philosopher Jim Gaffigan says that his wife is the best thing that ever happened to him and with each child he becomes a better man. This is my marriage, what about yours?