“What are the reasons of not going? I’m scared, finances, and I’m pregnant.”
In January, God gave me a desire to travel to England on a missions trip. This would be my first. I am not a huge traveler and I never felt called to go on mission trips before, but my husband and I believed it was our year for training and prepping us for ministry. These are not the reasons why I am going primarily, but this verse was a confirmation from my past decision making:
See, I lay in Zion a stone that causes people to stumble and a rock that makes them fall, and the one who believes in him will never be put to shame. Isaiah 28:16
This spoke to me. What I interpreted is that God knew that dying on the cross and admitting He is God would be a stumbling block to some. That people would either reject that or believe He was the way. Choosing faith or ourselves. As I read this I knew that If I went to England with all the worries and doubts I had on going would give me the reasons to not go. If I decided to go I would literally sacrifice everything. My fears, my doubts, my strengths and weaknesses, my comforts. I have sheltered myself from fear of being miserable or scared. I hate the feeling of vulnerability. I would rather HIDE! As He talks about the stumbling block; I knew fear was mine, and that it can cause me to not go forth in ministry. In the last part He says he will not fail me if I choose to believe in Him.
Little did I know what was going to further my faith after I submitted my application and my money. In the back of my mind I thought, “What if I get pregnant? I can’t go if I am. I don’t want to go if I do.” You know what God told me? “Trust me.”
Guess what? I got pregnant! You have no idea how many times I cried and yelled at my husband that I didn’t want to go because I was afraid. Every time I asked God if I still was suppose to go, you know what He would said? “Trust me.” I didn’t want to hear those words at all! And you know what, I am still nervous. I’m still struggling to not lean on my own understanding how things will go, but trust that God is going to take care of me.
For we live by faith, not by sight. 2 Cor. 5:7
And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Prov. 3:5-6
Andrew and I believe this baby has made this journey even more spectacular. This little girl I am caring is making this journey memorable and God seeking. God has something in store. My flesh is weak, but God can do anything. I know God is going to take care of my fears, aches, my tiredness, my loneliness, and who knows what I need when I go on this trip. All I have to do is ask. He is taking care of me and my family. I have no power what so ever in this matter. All I am trying to do is listen and obey.
Every time I ask God over and over again if I should go. He always gives me an answer. It is always to go. It’s always an answer that gives my fears and anxiousness at rest. One of His responses was the story of Mary in the Bible. Poor Mary, as she had to go miles and days pregnant on the back of a donkey. I know she had God’s strength for the journey, but she is also human with fears and needs. Even a story amazing that it is, had people like us to carry out God’s plan. God was showing me that if she could do it, so could I.
I really hope this is encouraging to some. I know that we can easily choose to not do or do things out of fear. They sound very reasonable reasons too, but they can lead us to listen what we want to hear and not always what we need to hear. Even when they seem dangerous or fearful. For we all should have in our hearts the mindset of what Paul writes here:
Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.. Phil 3:8-10